Deadpool: Don’t Even Think About Making Me Lick You

Buzzz—

In the void, a cluster of blue arcs flickered, sending ripples through the air. A disheveled figure hurriedly stepped out of the mercury-like, undulating mirror dimension.

"Hot, hot, hot—"

After stepping out of the void, Duke had only one immediate impression of this spatial crossing: heat. Unbearable heat. It felt as though his entire body had been thrown into a furnace, making him think he had fallen into the entrance to burning Hell. Yet he showed no signs of dehydration, and even his lab coat was completely intact. If his skin had not turned as red as a lobster, he might have suspected he was hallucinating.

Boundless cold surged in from all directions, bringing Duke immense relief. Looking around, he found himself beneath the vast emptiness of space. Brilliant stars cast countless faint rays of light, but the brightest and most familiar was still that familiar sun.

Duke stomped on the lunar surface beneath his feet and said thankfully, "Good thing the me from Dragon Ball World once wished Shenron for the ability to survive in space. Otherwise, I’d probably be dead today."

"This should be where the original lunar base was… Since the base is gone, I probably succeeded in crossing into another world." Duke shot into the air, floating in the vacuum of space. He passed over the moon and looked toward the magnificent blue planet, wondering whether this world also had another version of himself who had crossed over.

"Speaking of the other mes… what do their energy signatures feel like?" Duke pressed two fingers to his forehead, intending to use Teleportation, only to realize miserably that he had never sensed everyone’s energy signatures in Unknown Space. More accurately, he had sensed them, but it had not worked.

With no other choice, he closed his eyes and tried to locate the strongest energy signature on the planet. No matter what, he first had to confirm whether he was familiar with this world. If it was a technological civilization in the internet age, things would be easier. But if it was ancient times or a primitive society, finding someone by name would be incredibly difficult.

The instant he closed his eyes to sense the energy, endless streams of information flashed through Duke’s mind. He suddenly opened his eyes and stared at Earth in shock. The energy across the entire planet was abnormally chaotic. Countless evil thoughts and sinister intentions had dyed people’s energy a thick, foul black. These energy signatures were broadly similar, all frantically radiating the same thought—hunger!

Countless thoughts merged into one, blanketing Earth in a layer of black miasma invisible to the naked eye. To those with superhuman abilities, the planet looked like a terminally ill person on the verge of death, its entire body wreathed in rotting black mist.

"Could this be Resident Evil?" Duke raised a brow. Encountering a familiar world on his first crossing was quite lucky. He just did not know whether this was another Resident Evil world where another version of him existed.

However, his relaxed brows quickly furrowed again. According to the memories he had shared, Duke from the Resident Evil world was unquestionably the strongest person on Earth. Aside from him, there were only a few limited powerhouses, such as Alice and Wesker. Their energy should not have been particularly powerful. Yet in Duke’s perception, Earth contained countless powerful energy signatures on par with one another, scattered across every corner of the globe. New York, where the great United States of North America was located, was especially packed with them—one powerful energy signature after another, as numerous as hairs on an ox.

"Not Resident Evil… Then where exactly is this?" Duke slowly opened his eyes, casually picked one target, and vanished the next instant.

When he reappeared, he was already above New York.

Below him, a… zombie clad head to toe in a red-and-black skintight uniform, with two swords strapped to its back, was lowering its head and gnawing on a still-warm corpse. Its tattered uniform exposed rotting flesh, while nauseating maggots burrowed in and out of its skin.

"That outfit… looks awfully familiar!?" Duke examined the zombie below, then shuddered as a terrible name came to mind.

Sure enough, the zombie below twitched its nose, tossed aside the organs in its hands, and raised its face covered in rotten flesh toward Duke. It drew a gleaming dagger, aimed it at its blood-smeared mouth, picked bits of flesh from between its teeth, and rambled on in an exaggerated voice. "Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do I see? A fresh superhero? What are you? Doctor Man? Or Lab Coat Man?"

"…" Duke said nothing.

"God bless, you better be a doctor! Buddy, ever since I became a zombie, my X tube has gotten clogged. Back in the day, I could spray all over your face, but now it just hangs limp. A couple days ago, I hooked up with Lady Deadpool, which is basically myself, and I couldn’t even get hard… It was a total nightmare! Doctor Man, you can help me, right?"

Without another word, Duke turned to leave. He had barely taken one step when a fierce wind sliced through the air, and a dazzling blade strike cleaved him in half at the waist.

Crack—crack—

Duke’s severed body turned into shards of ice, while his true body stood in midair some distance away.

"I’m so hungry! Let me eat you!" Zombie Deadpool appeared atop a building beside Duke. He gripped a dagger in each hand, and beneath his half-mask, his enormous mouth was split all the way to his cheeks, making him especially horrifying.

"I think I know where this is!" Duke’s mouth twitched. He immediately felt that fate was against him. Next time he went out, he absolutely had to have his fortune told first.

Another cold gleam flashed. Duke raised a spherical barrier with one hand to shield his body, blocking Deadpool’s teleporting slash.

"Buddy, I’ll just take one bite. I swear, just one bite. How about that tiny little thing between your legs? The whole Earth is full of zombies now, so it’s useless for you to keep it. Why not let me eat it? And if there’s any thick juice, that would be even better!" Zombie Deadpool said, stomping his feet on the ground after another failed sneak attack.

Just as Duke was about to withdraw and leave, he suddenly heard a familiar voice beside his ear.

"Deadpool, you actually want to keep the food all to yourself?"

Duke followed the voice and saw a huge group of superher—zombies approaching together.

On the ground were Black Panther, whose right leg had been severed at the root, exposing a stark white leg bone; The Thing, whose rocky body was crumbling and could shatter at any moment; Hulk, covered in sickly green, with a blue face and fangs; Mystique, her arms hanging limply as she staggered forward; Punisher, missing the right half of his body yet still smoking a cigar; and Wolverine, covered in rotten flesh as six steel claws extended from his hands. There were also Cyclops, Daredevil, Gambit, Hawkeye, Invisible Woman, Colossus, Iron Fist, Moon Knight, Quicksilver, Black Widow, Blade, Beast, and many more.

The lineup in the air was even more terrifying!

Spider-Man, his stomach hollowed out, still swung from a building; Iron Man, left with only his upper body, flew through the air with thrusters; Magneto floated in the void with his bloody maw spread wide; Human Torch, reduced to nothing but a burning skeleton; Ms. Marvel, whose skintight suit outlined a graceful figure while the inside was nothing but rotting flesh. Behind them stood a dense mass of powerhouses, including Storm, Cannonball, Falcon, Angel, Iron Patriot, Nighthawk, Scarlet Witch, Vision, and many others.

The familiar voice belonged to none other than the leader, Captain America, Steve. His zombie version had half his head sliced away, his eyeballs bulging out, and dark red bloodstains smeared across his yellowed teeth.

Seeing the whole gang of vicious monsters closing in, Duke had no desire to take a commemorative photo. He teleported out of the encirclement and flew toward outer space at full speed.

Earth was far too dangerous. He decided to stay on Mars.

Watching a cooked duck fly away, the super zombies roared in fury. Those capable of flight pursued with all their might, but Duke continued accelerating, smashing through sonic clouds again and again. In the blink of an eye, he turned into a streak of white light and shot out of the atmosphere.

"Damn it, he got away!"

"If I’d known, I would’ve used my powers."

"Who was that? I’ve never seen him before."

"Maybe he’s a new superhero! What a shame, I really wanted to eat him."

"It’s fine! Humans can’t survive in space. Sooner or later, he’ll return to the ground."

"I’m waiting here for him. The first bite is mine."

"…"

After chattering noisily for a while, the super zombies finally decided to wait where they were for their meal to fall from the sky. Then they raised their heads and stared eagerly at the heavens…

After leaving the atmosphere, Duke flew beyond Earth’s gravitational range and landed on an asteroid drifting through space. Thinking about that horrifying scene just now made his entire body feel uncomfortable, as if countless germs were multiplying across his skin.

Duke suddenly jolted awake and hurriedly disinfected himself. Vacuum, absolute zero, magic… In the end, he even summoned an extremely high-temperature Trillion-Degree Fireball and plunged straight into it…

Though it was called a trillion degrees, it was not really that impressive. It was just the Zetton race boasting. After all, a trillion degrees would be enough to destroy the solar system. If the Zetton race were truly that awesome, what place would Ultraman have? The duty of maintaining peace in the universe would have fallen to them long ago.

The high-temperature fireball did not harm Duke himself. After thoroughly disinfecting his entire body, he let out a breath of relief while standing there naked. Although he did not know what exactly had happened in this world, he did not want to stay for even another moment. He activated the Space Stone ring again and vanished from this stretch of the universe.

It was the familiar lunar surface again, and the magnificent blue Earth again. Duke cautiously sensed the energy signatures and immediately sighed in relief. Although there were still many powerful energy signatures standing out across the planet, overall, the people lived in peace and prosperity was everywhere.

"It’s great that there are no zombies!" Duke casually locked onto an energy signature and teleported away.

Earth! North America! The great United States! Outskirts of New York! Highway!

Duke appeared in a flash. Just as he was about to find something to cover himself with, he spotted a familiar figure sitting on the guardrail ahead. Two long swords were strapped to his back, and he was still wearing that seductive black-and-red skintight combat uniform, wrapped up from head to toe!

Duke: "…"

For fuck’s sake, was there nobody else?

Seemingly sensing something, Deadpool turned around and looked at the completely naked Duke. After tilting his head for three seconds, he started ranting, "Hey, buddy! Do you know that suddenly appearing behind me and pointing your gun at me puts a lot of pressure on me? Fuck, how can your gun be bigger than Grandpa Deadpool’s?"

"You think being big means you can satisfy Grandpa Deadpool? Don’t even dream of it! I’ve X’d plenty of pretty boys like you, and they all got X’d into shitting themselves."

"And quit looking at me with those affectionate eyes. I’m not licking you! If you really want to feel good, hurry up and stick your ass out so Grandpa Deadpool can X you hard!"

"Uh! Buddy, I didn’t recognize you for a moment because you weren’t wearing clothes… Haven’t we met somewhere before?"

Duke: "…"

This was not a place to linger!

Thanks to Elegant Cabbage, Book Mountain Pressure Big Nap, Little Salted Fish Shouting 666, No More Great Unity Banknotes, and Collecting 16 to 25 Year Old Beautiful Girls for the tips!