How to Properly Hold a Funeral

"Did you lose this gold-digger dad, or this silver-digger dad?"

Fang Mo pointed at the two identical Georges behind him and asked Jonathan.

"I…"

Jonathan was dumbfounded as well. Staring blankly, he instinctively replied, "The one I lost… was my real dad, the one Dio stabbed."

"The dad Dio stabbed? Okay, consider it arranged."

Hearing that, Fang Mo snapped his fingers and immediately pulled a dagger from his robe. "Watch your teacher imitate Dio’s cry first. Hmm… JoJo! I reject my humanity! Wryyyyy!!!"

With that, Fang Mo raised the knife in his hand.

"W-Wait!"

Jonathan was so startled that he hurriedly stopped him. "Teacher, that’s not what I meant!"

"Hm?"

Fang Mo stopped at Jonathan’s words. "Wasn’t that what you said? You wanted a dad who’d been stabbed by Dio. What I love most is fulfilling other people’s wishes…"

"Sorry, Teacher. I misspoke just now."

Jonathan hurriedly explained, "What I actually meant was… I want my real father."

"Mr. Steve, what exactly is going on?" Erina had naturally witnessed the scene as well. The two identical George Joestars had utterly confused her. "Uncle George… how did he become two people?"

"After all, I’m a genuine miracle doctor, unlike those deadly poison doctors from Xiongfeng Mountain like Wurenji and Liu Hongbin."

Fang Mo shrugged. "My medical skills are unprecedented and unsurpassed. Treat one patient, get two alive. So it’s understandable for this sort of thing to happen occasionally."

"This…"

Erina was completely stunned after hearing that. After standing there blankly for a long while, she barely managed to say, "I’ve studied medicine with my father since childhood, but I’ve never encountered anything like this. I’ve really learned something new today…"

"So I’ll have two fathers from now on?"

Jonathan was also a little dazed as he subconsciously asked Fang Mo.

"Not quite." Fang Mo shook his head and explained to them, "You still only have one dad. As for the other one… he’s for the funeral."

"Huh???"

Jonathan’s eyes went wide. "A… funeral? Mr. Steve, are you sure?"

"I told you already, a cenotaph can’t fool fate. You need to put out the real thing."

Fang Mo nodded, then continued, "Not only does he need to be buried, we need to give him a grand send-off. Old Master Joestar was an aristocrat in life, so as his son, you can’t be careless with his funeral. You’d better ask for his own opinion on how to handle it—Chinese-style or Western-style, what kind of wood for the coffin, whether the Tombstone should be made of andesite or diorite. You need to ask him all that clearly."

"This…"

Hearing this, Jonathan felt his head buzzing.

Yet Fang Mo showed no intention of stopping. He continued giving instructions with a serious expression. "If you’re doing it Chinese-style, you need to hurry up and prepare paper effigies. Of course, Old Master Joestar has a great family fortune, so we don’t have to use paper people. I can find some uranium-titanium-silver and some black slaves for you. We’ll burn them as offerings for him. I heard burning black slaves isn’t illegal yet."

"Uranium-titanium-silver might be a little troublesome, though. But we can burn it during the Second Holy Grail War later. I’ll carve your dad’s name onto that big furnace of mine in Poland. From then on, everything burned in there will count as being burned for your dad…"

"A… a human sacrifice!?"

Erina covered her mouth in horror. Wasn’t this far too terrifying?

"Mr. Steve, please stop scaring Erina."

Unlike Erina, Jonathan had spent some time around Fang Mo and knew that he loved making jokes. Jonathan might have been slow-witted, but he was gradually catching on. Fang Mo was probably joking again.

"Hahahaha!"

Even Fang Mo himself could not help laughing.

"Sigh…"

Seeing Fang Mo’s reaction, Jonathan helplessly rubbed his forehead.

His teacher was great in every way except that he was far too unreliable. Were all mages like this?

"So it was a joke?"

Erina finally breathed a sigh of relief.

She had not known Fang Mo for very long. He had merely tricked her into eating a Golden Apple and an Essence Berry, then given her a sword. After that, Fang Mo had vanished without a trace. She could not even find him when she wanted to practice swordsmanship with him. She had thought what he said just now was real.

"Jokes aside, though, the funeral really does need to be held."

After laughing with his head tilted back for a while, Fang Mo continued speaking to the two of them. "At least, I wasn’t joking about fate. JoJo, your Joestar family really has produced short-lived people generation after generation…"

"Is that so?"

Jonathan slowly nodded. "I understand, Teacher. I’ll handle this matter seriously."

"These two old Georges behind me."

Fang Mo said, "The one on the left is real. Your father’s soul is in him. The one on the right is fake, just an empty shell… If you don’t believe me, move both of them to the hospital first. The one on the left will wake up, while the one on the right will remain a vegetable forever."

"Then let’s wait until Father wakes up before deciding. If we bury him now… I’m afraid I might mix them up by accident."

Jonathan thought it over, then turned to Erina. "By the way, Erina, can we go to your hospital?"

"Yes, of course."

Erina immediately nodded. "I also think this is too strange. Rather than us deciding, it would be better to let Uncle George make the decision himself after he wakes up."

"Then it’s settled."

Jonathan nodded, then looked at Fang Mo. "Teacher Steve, is that all right?"

"Oh, I don’t really mind."

Fang Mo spread his hands. "Healing people is just for fun. The real business is researching how to hold funerals. In a while, I’ll be helping a highly respected mage from Kamar-Taj with a funeral. This is a good chance to get some practice first. I’m afraid I’ll laugh at the wrong moment when the time comes…"

"…"

Jonathan and Erina exchanged a look, both rendered speechless by Fang Mo’s words.

After a long silence, Jonathan was the one who finally broke it.

"By the way, Mr. Steve."

Whether he had suddenly remembered something or simply wanted to change the subject, Jonathan abruptly asked Fang Mo, "When you came in to put out the fire, did you see a man named Speedwagon?"

"Oh, if you hadn’t mentioned him, I almost would’ve forgotten him."

Fang Mo smacked his forehead. "No wonder it felt like something was missing… The commentator went offline. Come to think of it, I saw him just now. Didn’t you two see him when you came out?"

"No."

The two looked at each other and shook their heads.

"Where did you see him?" Jonathan asked curiously. "Speedwagon isn’t the sort of man to flee in the middle of a fight. He should still be nearby."

"I think he was in that fountain over there."

Fang Mo thought for a moment before answering.

"Nani!?"

Jonathan was shocked. He hurriedly ran toward the distant fountain, only to discover that Speedwagon really was soaking in it. However, he had already lost consciousness.

Fortunately, he had fallen in face-up. The buoyancy of the water had kept his face above the surface, preventing him from drowning.

"JoJo, is this gentleman Speedwagon?"

Erina also walked over. Seeing Jonathan drag him out of the water, she asked in surprise, "How did he get burned so badly? Was it from that fire just now?"

"Although Speedwagon was born on Ghouls’ Street and, like Dio, came from an unfortunate background, he possesses a heroic brilliance. I admire that very much." Jonathan said, "It was thanks to his help that I found evidence of Dio secretly poisoning my father and caught that Eastern drug dealer."

"Is that so?"

Erina nodded after hearing that. "Then he truly is a hero."

"Teacher Steve, can you treat Mr. Speedwagon too?" Jonathan looked up at Fang Mo. "He was burned like this trying to save me, and he’s unconscious now."

"Do you want this Speedwagon Gold Root, or this Speedwagon Silver Root…"

"Teacher Steve, please stop joking at a time like this." Jonathan could not help rubbing his forehead. "He saved my life, after all. And he isn’t part of the Joestar family, so he probably doesn’t have that kind of fate where he’s so short-lived that he needs to hold a funeral for himself just to escape disaster, right?"

"That’s true."

Fang Mo nodded. He really did need to save this commentator. "Stand back, everyone. This miracle doctor is about to make a move again."

At that, Jonathan and Erina hurriedly stepped aside, afraid of getting in Fang Mo’s way.

As for Fang Mo, he slowly walked over to Speedwagon. To be honest, Speedwagon had initially still been conscious, but he had passed out the moment Fang Mo turned around. Perhaps he had only been forcing himself to endure until then. His perseverance was indeed impressive, since extensive burns were truly agonizing.

With that thought, Fang Mo reached out and tore open Speedwagon’s clothes.

Because they had been scorched by the flames, his clothes had fused with his flesh, becoming a charred, coal-like substance.

"Damn, this guy got seriously burned."

While complaining about the severity of Speedwagon’s burns, Fang Mo activated the Beacon’s regenerative power.

Under the effects of Nether energy, the hard shell covering Speedwagon’s body quickly peeled away. Then Flesh Buds wriggled, and his body began recovering at a visible speed.

After only a few minutes, Speedwagon suddenly sat upright from the ground.

"A monster! That monster named Dio!"

With his eyes wide open, Speedwagon shouted in alarm and astonishment, "I’ve traveled to many places in my life, journeyed across the world, and seen all kinds of things. I’ve seen rare animals in the Americas, strange plants in Asia, giant trees in the Caribbean, and enormous tornadoes… but I’ve never seen anything like a monster such as Dio!"

"Seriously… he woke up and immediately started commentating to save his life?" Fang Mo rubbed his forehead.